My jog this morning was with out a watch and on jeep roads that I spotted on Google satellite. The road petered out in to a clearing, in which was parked a van that didn't look abandoned. I generally have more fear of people than I do animals and since I don't want to get shot or worse... I turned around. I've read about how to fend off a cougar but nothing telling me how to fend off an angry redneck. I'm fairly sure waving my arms and making myself look big isn't going to work and since I didn't have my banjo with me I was in no way prepared to win a duel. If I can figure out how to run with my handgun I will feel better, and ironically join the group of rednecks that I fear.
My brain is clearing nicely and I'll wait until the week of Chicago to decide that I won't race. I received a comment from a sweet and happy person named "anonymous" telling me that I am "one fucked up person" and they think I have issues with my father because I love my sons so much and I feel guilty spending energy on this selfish quest of mine when I could be playing with my kids. Since I don't know who my father is I would have to say I don't have issues with him. The only thing I know about him is that he was a drug addict. Anyone posting anonymously on here obviously doesn't know me very well and I hate trolls so I deleted the comment, but it did make me think a little and that's a good thing, because I certainly do need to think more.
We learn the most from people we disagree with.
I don't have a problem telling people what I think, my friends know this and so do the people I don't like, so I may come across as being f-ed up but I would bet that I am just a guy who is willing to be open about what he's feeling. I was raised by a single mother who taught and showed me from day one to be true to yourself and surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. The anonymous poster obviously had issues with me and who I am. Maybe I'm his father!? But at least I know he dislikes me for who I truly am. This to me is far better than having someone like me for being who I pretend to be. I'm not pretending to be having an easy time right now. I could say that on my run yesterday I saw a rainbow and fairies sprinkling happy dust on me while I ran sub four minute miles, but I'm having a hard time and instead of a rainbow it's a bank of fog and trolls throwing handfuls of shit at me. I told Bob that I should just fake an injury so I could have an excuse for not running Chicago. But then I would have to "break" my streak of never having had an injury. Besides, I'm not afraid to let people know what's happening.
I'm a fairly thoughtful guy. I tend to complicate simple things with too much thinking though. Sort of like the old saying about not seeing the forest through the trees. I have a jumbled mess of rambling thoughts in my head that all lead to a fairly clear point. I'm changing again in what I want from life and I won't compromise, I never have. I love to run and it's that simple. There isn't anything after that last word. I may be more fit than I ever have been and my year has been amazing. I've trained very well and learned a ton and am stronger than ever... and I think I can leave it at that.
Running Chicago doesn't mean anything to me.
I no longer feel the need to prove anything by stopping a clock at a certain point. I love to run and I've done a lot of it and I have more satisfaction from weeks and months of hard work than a single day could give me. It's the journey I love. I've already picked my next race and I'm excited about it and I would not be surprised if I execute a stellar training cycle up to the race and walk away again. I'm fine with that. Because I love to run and running is about more than racing, to me anyway. I suspect that I'll run another marathon and try to go fast, but right now it's of no interest to me.